I’m unveiling a new monthly blog feature and have chosen my old friend and self-described “most powerful maître d‘ in the city,” Snotty McSnobster, to help launch my very first Maven of the Month blog post. Each month I’ll focus on a new Food Maven and ask him or her to share their insider secrets for tasting their way through a foodie fabulous life. Some of you will remember the Snobster from past posts wherein he challenged me to an Iron Chef: Fiddleheads cook off, hosted a pink party to which I brought chewy carpaccio, tested my patience when it comes to tomatoes, turkey, or scoring an 8:00 reservation in this town, or revealed his true identity and passion for the industry when he gave us a behind-the-scenes tour of what it means to play host to the glitterati in New York’s legacy restaurant scene. Bearing his resume, reputation and gray pompadour in mind, I gave Snotty a forum for telling us all how to look younger, feel healthier and Eat it Up!
How to Not Get Sick and Look Ten Years Younger, by Snotty McSnobster
1) My four basic food groups: salt, sugar, fat, alcohol
2) Drink lots, especially beer (for a hard day’s work), and wine (for the heart), and whiskey (to ward off cold and flu). I like shots of Jameson unless my friend Raj is present, then I like shots of Jim Beam Rye. Drink bloodies on Sundays…daylight hours only. Champagne? Anywhere, anytime, any mood! Mixing tiki cocktails at 3am is never a good idea, though should you tempt fate, you don’t have to be good at bar-tending, you just have to be good at drinking.
3) Remember: alcoholics go to meetings.
5) Daily diet: eat well but control portions, which will enable you to…Eat all day! No fast food, no soda, no processed food, no truck stop coffee unless you road trip. Eat dinner after 10pm, simply because it’s more fabulous.
6) Sleep deep for 5 hours, the rest is butter. Don’t get up too early. Except to ski. And even then, not before 8:30am.
7) When life pours you lemonade: buy a ticket and pack ass.
Stop watching TV.
9) Get a mani/pedi once a month, preferably by a yellow or a brown person.
10) Don’t smoke (but don’t not smoke). Sometimes it is cool to light up after a five-mile run. Fuck it. You just ran five miles. Run to maintain your girlish figure and run at least one ½ marathon a year.
11) Maintain separate iPods for AC/DC and gay disco. Never give up air guitar.
12) Remember: people are basically bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
14) Un-encumber yourself: sell your car, buy a scooter. Space is over-rated and besides, in Manhattan who the hell is home anyway?
15) Have a local where you can drink after hours and get a table in less than 10 minutes when everyone else has to wait 90. In fact have a few. I recommend one in each neighborhood. And some of my most frequented are: Joseph Leonard, The Spotted Pig and Daddy-O’s.
16) “From the comfort of you own home” is meant for people who live outside New York City.
17) Fall in love, no matter how much it hurts or sucks or makes you want to learn how to tie a noose.
18) Maintain strong ties with your friends even if they ask you to help them move.
19) Go out. Stay out. Every day. Every night.
20) If you start to get sick, drink Guinness. Otherwise, just don’t get sick. If you follow these instructions, you won’t.