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A few days ago I woke up feeling disgusting. I was hung-over and I’d smoked too much the night before. For weeks now, it seems like I’ve been eating everything in sight. I feel bloated. During the holidays—in France, then California, finally New York—I was faced at every corner with plates of homemade Christmas cookies, flutes of champagne and rich dishes of juicy meats, fried and baked starches, gravies of salty creaminess and sugar-coated goodies I couldn’t resist, whether at home in my comfies or in spectacular restaurants, celebrating in my sparklies.
Food itself is not really the problem. I love food! But the amount of food consumed at holiday parties, where I was also drinking, drinking, drinking…well, it’s just been a bit much!
In New York, it gets cold in the winter (like a civilized city is supposed to!) and it seems normal to indulge your cravings a bit. It’s as if you have to fortify yourself for the freezing weather that lies ahead, for months on end. But in L.A., with its perpetual spring-like climate, where I can sport open-toed platforms and a halter-top in January, the holiday splurges seem excessive…at least that’s how I felt when I woke up this morning.
If I’m totally honest, it’s more than the jitters from the caffeine, the stomach aches from too much comforting dairy, the pounding hangovers reminding me of the cocktails downed, or my parched mouth and sore throat from…eek, (NAUGHTY Amanda!)…the tobacco, I’ve smoked. The feeling from which I was suffering this morning had more than a little to do with the gentleman lying next to me in my bed (NAUGHTY, again!), merely an acquaintance from the night before. Newly-single, I seemed to have an endless supply of holiday dates this year. Many dates. And what was I to do? There were almost as many men as Christmas cookies to consume! And they were similarly yummy (all buttery and sugar-coated) but ultimately, little more than empty calories. No nourishment.
This morning, I realized…the overeating and the hard partying has caught up with me and I need a cleanse. I will moderate and purge the gluten, the gluttony, and the promiscuous toxicity out of my system! I’ve devised a plan to purify my body and mind and fortify my heart, in anticipation of a promising 2008.
“The Men Cleanse”
Consumption to Curb:
1. Cut out all “sugar.” This includes alcohol and sex.
2. No breads, crackers (made with flour), potatoes or pasta for awhile.
3. Put caffeine to bed.
4. Cigarettes are absolutely verboten.
5. No aged cheeses. Fresh cheeses only, like chevre and ricotta.
Consumption to Incorporate:
1. Eat dried fruits. Maybe mixed into goat’s milk yogurt.
2. Drink 3 cups of Gynostemma Tea each day. (Gynostemma is considered the “magic grass” of China. It’s the only naturally non-caffeinated green tea. It has an effect similar to ginseng, giving you energy while detoxifying your corrupted insides.)
3. Drink at least 8 large glasses of water daily. Duh.
4. Drink other teas as well, like ginger and mint.
5. Take lots of Vitamin C and get plenty of Calcium.
1. Eat any and all fruits and vegetables.
2. Obviously, eat organic if possible.
3. Enjoy lean poultry (no skins), and lots of fresh fish.
4. Limit red meat to one serving every few days.
5. Yogurts are good, but eat the plain variety with no added sugar.
6. For your grains, choose brown rice and quinoa.
7. Rice cakes and rice crackers are also okay and are good for crunch cravings.
8. All nuts are good, in all forms that are natural and don’t include extra salt ot sugar.
9. Small bites of high-quality dark chocolate (66% cocoa or more) are the best answer to the persistent sweet tooth.
10. Stevia. To make things sweet.
1. Take lots of hot baths.
2. Buy yourself a wonderful, new perfume.
3. Exercise a lot!!!! Aerobic exercise is important! Running, dancing. Also Yoga! (Since you are not having sex and not eating sugar, you need the excecise for the endorphins.)
4. You will most likely feel very sexy after you’ve spent awhile on The Men Cleanse…you will start to drop a few pounds and your spirit will feel lighter. So be social with men—hang out, flirt, even hold hands. But no more!
5. You will feel your natural sexual energy build up like a super power. Wield that power and let it drive your creativity!
Ironically, this kind of cleanse will most likely result in you attracting lots of attention from men. When you feel ready, pick someone worthy of you new self and began to incorporate some “sugar” back into your diet.
Welcome to the new year!